Reconnecting

It could be spring.  The deep green of snow-fed grass in early April is always an awakening sight for me.

It could be sleep.  I've been getting a healthy amount these days - uninterrupted, uninhibited.  I actually wake refreshed for the first time in almost 8 years.

It could be the renewal of old friendships.  Coming face-to-face with a past I once tried to abandon has been surprsingly soul-healing and eye-opening.

It could be the hair.  As superficial as it may sound, I like seeing a "new" me when I look in the mirror these days.  It makes me feel like anything is possible.

Or it could simply be that things have been put aright.  I've realized that coming here and putting something real out into the world is much more gratifying than writing for the almighty dollar (as romantic as that once seemed).

No matter the reason, it's time to return.  I've been holding my breath, biting my tongue, bound up and held back by monsters of my own making for long enough.  I'm reconnecting - and I write here for me, no one else.

A Life By Design

Yes, I know, even I thought this blog was abandoned for good. But I find myself once again in need of a place that's all my own, void of demands and expectations. A place to catch my breath. A place to return to.

Where have I been? I've spent the past few months on the run...

Extinguishing, Igniting
Balancing, Breaking
Hiding, Exposing
Climbing, Plumeting

and always always always
Teetering Right On The Edge

And while the break-neck pace is nobody's fault but my own, I'm not cut out for it. I know I've lost my center when this blog sits empty for too long - it means life is running me, as opposed to the other way around.

So here I am, as usual, recommitting myself to taking back the controls. August falls upon our family full of promise and I'm looking forward to the return of my life by design. I hope to share here the honest and beautiful moments of the days ahead and rediscover my center.

I want more memories like these.

Magnificent Times

I know I have no business writing about something so insignificant, after neglecting this poor blog for over a month. But it's 2 am and I just found a song I've been trying to track down for 7 years. 7 YEARS.

I've been sitting at the computer for 4 hours now, catching up on writing for SuperMom Central and Traveling Mom so I can start the week with a clean conscience. It's awesome in and of itself that I, a stay at home mom of 3 with no solid creds to my name, have turned my passion for writing, traveling and parenting into a small career of sorts. Even 10 years ago my hands would have been tied. Awesome.

But I was photo editing tonight as well, with some pretty amazing results. I don't own a fancy camera or a fancy program, but thanks to the internet, I was able to take this photo...


And do this...


Pretty amazing.

When my brain started to fry, I took a quick break and jumped over to Playlist which, thanks to my solid music addiction, rivals Picnik as my favorite site to play on. Surfing for old favorites got me thinking about that elusive Badly Drawn Boy song I was so infatuated with while in Switzerland...


(this is the Damon Gough, aka Badly Drawn Boy - appropriate name, doncha think?)

Once I'd set to the task I've so often given up on over the years, it was like solving a puzzle. With the help of Wikipedia, Amazon, Google, and finally YouTube, I FOUND IT!

Magnificent. Just magnificent.

Not that I found some random song or edited a photo or shared parenting advice. All those things are pretty dang cool but what is absolutely magnificent is the amount of information, knowlege, and ability we have literally at our fingertips. We are now, more than ever before, true citizens of the earth - intertwined and connected in ways almost incomprehensible.

I used to argue passionately that the world was better off before the internet. Radio brought news and music to the world. Television brought to life images from across the globe. Both had reprocussions, but they were worth it. However, I was convinced that the dangers brought with computers weren't worth the benefits. The internet holds spectacular power, which is easily wielded for evil. I asserted that we were better off without it in the long run.

But tonight, I'm rethinking my position. My husband worked online from home while I recovered from giving birth to our third child. I earned my degree by doing homework at 2 am while logged on to my E-Class. My mom helped keep my childhood family out of bankruptcy with the medical transcriptions she typed up and emailed to doctor's offices. Disneyland found my parenting blog and treated our family to an amazing weekend full of fun memories. My sister posts photos in an online account and we can all witness sweet little Leah's first days.

Tonight I feel lucky. Lucky to live in an age when every song composed in the last thousand years sits just a few clicks away. Lucky that I can preserve and access precious moments in the lives of my children with photo, video and all the tools that come with them. Lucky to be connceting with other women in the world like me - mothers desiring to practice exceptional parenting, thirsting for the knowlege to do so.

Lucky to live in this Magnificent Time.

One Last Winter

I woke up yesterday morning to a fresh layer of snow settling on our backyard and promptly went back to bed. 5 minutes later, as the pillow and I were dreamily fusing together, my kids discovered the wintery wonderland outside and came flying into my room at top speed to announce the news and demand their mittens. It was all I could do to keep them from flinging themselves out the back door in their pajamas - a mere 25 minutes after I had woken up the first time, all 4 of us were bundled and bustling excitedly out into the thick of it...

Okay, maybe not all of us were excited. Having refused his mittens, Mer spent the first while poised hesitantly on the step. Can you blame him? Two days earlier his outside world was full of wonderful new discoveries like blooming buds and scurrying bugs.

Jude, however, plunged right in. This was his first year up on the snowboard and I'm pretty sure he's fully smitten. To him, snow is now synonymous with fun. His five-year-old enthusiasm for whatever the day might bring has kept me moving through the slow winter months.

It wasn't long before we'd worn ourselves out making angels and forts. After one last snowball fight, we piled our snowclothes at the door and knocked back a little hot chocolate. Gabby and I watched the marshmellows melt a bit as we warmed up. I gotta say, not a bad way to spend the morning...

But Mother Nature better not get any ideas. It is time to release Utah from the clutches of winter and let us enjoy our 5 minutes of Spring before the heat hits hard!

Balance

I used to go to bed each night feeling like I had failed someone somehow. If I'd spent the afternoon playing with the kids instead of cooking a nice dinner, I'd failed my husband as a housewife. If I'd spent the evening out on a date with Brett, I'd failed my mom who needed to talk on the phone. If I'd cleaned the house all day, I'd failed my children who'd begged for stories and games. And when I showed up every week to guitar lesson, having not cracked my instruction books all week, I failed my teacher and myself. No matter who I pleased, there was someone I always failed.

And yet, I've also been unwilling to give up any of those things. I enjoy being a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, homemaker, visiting teacher, primary teacher, writer, guitarist, and eliptical-machine-dominator. Each role is important to me, and a crucial part of who I am.

So what to do? Surrender my sanity? Succumb to the tide? Nope.

Balance.

Have you ever watched closely the circus performers on the high wire? Everything they do is planned, calculated, timed. Nothing is rushed or careless. Nothing is left up to chance. They are deliberate in every move they make. Every move.

And that's what I'm determined to be. Deliberate. The dawn will no longer take me unpleasantly by surprise! I will be ready and waiting when the sun comes up, to accomplish the goals I've made for that day and lay down that night satisfied with my efforts. Satisfied that I walked the high wire one more day - dared to do what often feels almost-impossible, and made it to the other side.

Who am I kidding, right? I'll take some tumbles, no doubt. Lucky for me I've got some pretty swell people waiting in the wings to pick me up. And if I've learned anything in my 30 short years here, I hope it's how to "shake it off" and try again. And again. And again, and again, and again, and again............................................................

2009 Will Be Mighty Fine

New Year's is ALMOST my favorite holiday, second only Christmas. And I think it's because I relish the idea of a totally fresh start. My curiousity is invigorrated by the possibilities that lay in wait for the new year and I find myself with renewed desire to grow, learn, change and explore who I am, and more importantly, who I want to be.

So I'm sharing my New Year's resolutions again with you this year in hopes that as I do my quarterly check-ins and read your comments and opinions, it will keep that enthusiasm for 2009 rolling along. I'm changing it up a bit, though. Instead of having specific goals that have finite requirements, I wanted to set my aspirations towards becoming more of the person I want to be. So these are all "Be" Resolutions (with a big thank you to President Hinkley, who has inspired me so much with his "Be"s.)


1 - Be In The Moment

While I refuse to worry much about the future, I definitely struggle with wallowing in the past. Regrets haunt me night and day (hence the trouble sleeping and consequent trouble getting up early), often clouding my thoughts so much that I don't enjoy the present. My children are growing, my family is changing, I am aging with each passing day and I think the key to feeling comfortable with the passage of time is in the noting of it. I'm sad to admit that there are 2 years of my life that I hardly have any memory of. I hope that by striving to enjoy the here and now I will be able to let go of the past and look forward to the future.

2 - Be Daring

So often I find myself often saying things like "Someday I'd like to try windsurfing" or "Someday I'm gonna dye bright purple streaks in my hair". And then I just smile and carry on with my pedestrian existence. This year there will be no more excuses for not seizing each opportunity that lies before me - and going after a few. I will be bold, brave, fearless!!! Or maybe I'll just try at least one new thing a month. Baby steps, right?


2 - Be Patient

Which means I'll probably have to cut my Coke intake, at least before I drive or play with my kids. For reals, though, I've rarely thought of myself as an impatient person until recently. I've begun to notice that I am hurrying through my days with a jittery (though fairly friendly) intolerance for anyone who slows me down. My children, the phone, the other drivers on the road...I'm always encouraging those around me to pick up the pace, instead of just easing up and going with the flow. This year I will slow myself. And I will enjoy the relaxing passage of time with the people I share the world with. Especially my children. No more rushing those sweet little things.


4 - Be Dependable

This one's gonna be the toughest, I already know. I have the best of intentions, and the worst follow-thru. Despite the fact that my heart is usually in the right place, my mind is never where it's supposed to be and I end up forgetful, flakey, and notoriously late. I used to this the word "Dependable" was another way of saying "Boring". But lately I'm realizing that my actions come off as quite unthoughtful to the people who rightfully expect me to do what I say I'm going to do. I want to be someone who can be counted on. It's part of being a good friend, a good daughter, a good wife and a good person.


Alright peeps, there they are. My 4 resolutions for making 2009 Mighty Fine. If you've got any suggestions that will help me stick to my guns, I'd love to hear 'em.

If not, at least tell me what you're resolutions are for this year!

Mommy 911

I've had some serious domestic dilemmas lately that have started me wishing there was some sort of hotline I could ring when things go Kaboom around here. I would no doubt have it on speed-dial! Well until someone smarter than me invents it, I'm gonna list a few of my latest motherhood snaffus (just in case any of you can shed some light):

- I pull stuff out of Merrick's nostrils on a daily basis. I have no idea where this obsession came from, but it's really starting to freak me out! A few weeks ago he put a piece of corn up there during dinner, which we quickly removed. The next morning, he suddenly sneezed out another kernel! I'm super scared that something's gonna get jammed up there so far it will touch his brain and instantly kill him. Death by corn. Is that possible?

So many nostril-sized objects, so little time.

- There was an unfortunate fingernail polish incident that has left a bright pink spot on Gabby's cute yellow pants. I'm sure there's some random combination of household products (like toothpaste and superglue or whatever) that will magically make the stain disappear, but I have no clue what it is. Anybody?

She's smiling, but inside she's burning with shame

because mommy lacks laundry skills.

- After years of burning and drying out a great many chicken breasts, I now find myself on the flip side - I'm so paranoid about overcooking that I end up not cooking it well enough and have nearly poisoned Brett several times. I'm ready to declare us a vegetarian household, just to avoid the whole nasty business altogether. If anyone has the secret to perfectly cooked chicken, please share it and save us from a tragic life of tofu!

The woman who can't properly prepare chicken, and the man who may inadvertently die as a result.

Now that I've admitted my failings, I hope you'll speak up with any and all ideas.

Don't be shy and Don't be stingy, peeps -
my family needs your help!

Seriously So Blessed

There are plenty of reasons why people keep journals. Records for posterity, marking the passage of time, contemplation of daily events...reflection. Not so much the "inward thinking" type of reflection, but the reflective mirror held up to our face that shows us who we truly are. I think this is the reason I choose to write. Because two weeks or two months or two years later I can read what I did and thought and match it up against who I think I am.

That "reflective" effect has other benefits as well. It can keep us from repeating painful mistakes. It can serve as a pat on the back for personal growth. And most recently, I've found it shining a much-needed light on my many blessings.

You see, I used to be a "cup half full" kind of girl, looking on the bright side, seeing silver linings, and so on. The past two years have been the darkest of my life and some difficult experiences have left me with a slit-eyed view of the world - intolerant, critical, untrusting, and bitter. It took some "reflecting" in my writings to realize how much I've let it all drag me down. But that same revelation has helped me see that my cup truly is half full - strike that - brimming over with reasons to feel nothing but gratitude.

I am Literally Seriously So Blessed.

Those of your who are familiar with the newly-popular phrase above (and matching blog) know that it's meant as a bit of satire - but I am sincere here. And why shouldn't I be? Feeling blessed is not a bragging contest or a starry-eyed view of the world - it's a mental choice everyday to focus on the positive and greet the world with a grateful heart. I love the people that fill their blogs with such feelings! They are the writers that uplift and remind me that there is much to be thankful for and not a day should go by that I don't appreciate that.

Our Christmas celebrations over the past few days have really melted my icy heart. I've found my slitted-eyes opened, and filled with tears more than once. And while I was definitely showered with gifts (much more than I deserve), I was also showered with genuine love and that was by far the best present I received this year. The selfless acts of compassion I've received this holiday season have reminded me of how Seriously So Blessed I truly am and I hope, by journalling them, that I can more easily carry those kindnesses with me throughout the year. So that I will continue to reflect, remember, and rejoice in all I have been given. Every last blessing.

The Merriest Place On Earth

I hadn't planned on blogging about this.

Let me explain: When I decided to venture into the blogosphere, I mentally gave myself some guidelines to follow, based on the writings I wanted to put out into the world. Therefore, this is not a "guess what we did last weekend" blog or a "look how cute my kids are" blog (ok, maybe every once in awhile I can't help myself), nor is it a "stuff that bugs me" blog, "pretty junk I wish I could afford" blog, or even a "what I recently read/saw/cooked" blog. Don't get me wrong - those are all good things to write about and you will see hints of them here from time to time. But my personal purpose for having a blog is to gather up to truly poignant (or truly funny) moments in my life and share them with the people I care about, with the belief that no matter what unique experiences you have, the deeper meanings in life are universal and real and important to document.

That being said, I'm dying to break my self-imposed rules for a moment to do a little shameless bragging because...

I'm typing this as I sit on luxurious queen bed in a beautiful hotel room on the second floor of the Disneyland hotel on an all-expenses paid Disney vacation! And the coolest part is that it is all thanks to blogging. I was approached through my parenting blog (SuperMom Central, in case I haven't yakked about it enough here) with an opportunity to bring my family to Cali for the weekend and experience the infamous Disney Christmas magic. We've been enjoying all sorts of special treats - Gingerbread Houses and Christmas cookies (Mickey style), festive parades, beautiful musical performances, impressive fireworks, a holiday version of both "It's A Small World" and "The Haunted Mansion", some fancy face painting, plus Christmas photos with Belle, Goofy, Mickey and Minnie!

If you know me well, you can imagine what a dream come true this is for me. The Disneyland hotel is beautfiul - all decked out for the winter season and full of fun Disney touches like a Pirate Paradise Pool and Mickey eared bathroom products. My kids are totally loving it but my excitement comes in at a close second!

I'll soon be blogging about this on SuperMom Central, if you want to hear more about all the awesome holiday cheer Disney puts into a winter vacation experience but that's enough gushing here on the family blog. What I really wanted to say was...

HA - to all the people who scoff at blogs. Blogs serve so many excellent purposes - furthering the flow of information and opinion, celebrating the freedom of expression, keeping in touch more easily and fully with the people you love, passing on life experiences to share the human journey, online journal recording... and PR! I was given the opportunity this weekend to witness it firsthand and I must say...

VIVA LA BLOGOSPHERE!

To all of you who blog, keep up the good work! The world needs to hear what you have to say.

An Aspiring SuperMom's SuperKids

Halloween blew by me like a corrugated cardboard tornado this year. We'd been in our new home less than a week and I spent way too much time digging madly through boxes for a stray WonderWoman headband. Guess what? Found it last night.

At any rate, the kiddos still looked cute-o in their Superhero costumes (which I subliminally tricked them into begging for this year) so here's a few fun pics:

We kicked off the day by haunting Gardner Village with some neighborhood friends. Everyone else in the entire world was there too. Will visit GV a little earlier in the month next year. Before we headed out that evening Nana (and a friend) came over for dinner and I'm kicking myself for not take pics. Sorry Mom!

Jude, having recently started French lessons with his Grammy, decided to tell all the candy-givers "Merci!". We got a few chuckles and impressed looks, but mostly stunned silence. His "Merci!" sounds alot like "Messy!"

Gabby truly believed she was WonderWoman in this gettup (whereas Jude kept telling people "I am dressed as Superman for Halloween, but I am not actually Superman"). The red boots really put the cuteness factor over the top so Carrie, if you're reading this, Thanks a Bunch!

Merrick rode around in the stroller and yelled baby jibberish whenever Jude and Gabs would say "Trick or Treat!" at a doorfront. He "borrowed" this sucker from Jude's bag, because we did not collect candy for him. The kid's got 6 teeth - it just seemed wrong to hit people up for sweets that would so obviously go right into Mom and Dad's private stash!



The night was ended with a very scary visit to Grandma and Grandpa's house where we tallied our loot!